It seems every now and then I come into these situations in my life, places, events, where I try to be who I once was. The thing is that I have changed so radically in the past year that every time I put myself in these situations, I end up feeling like I don’t belong. I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing though. I continue to make positive changes in my life, creating a lifestyle of healthy living and self-care.
I hadn’t gone out drinking since September and I was looking forward to going out to have a few drinks at a concert for an artist I totally admire. The evening prior I went out and bought some booze, which I hadn’t done in months! I had this feeling; this sense while I was picking out my booze that this was wrong in some way. Why was I choosing to drink something I know would harm my body? I’d rather be walking into some spiritual center, or a farmer’s market quite frankly. I bought two ciders anyways and proceeded to drink them the following night.
I met up with a dear friend and we started to drink. I could tell ¼ of my way through the cider that I felt a bit bloated, different, not “well” like I feel when I give my body clean foods. Without saying it to my friend, we both knew I rather just hang out and not drink than go out and party. We headed to the concert anyways, & it was great of course! The music, the message, the atmosphere, but as my buzz started to ware off I realized again I was in this room full of strangers feeling out of place. This just wasn’t ME anymore. This hasn’t been the first time, over the past year I have continually put myself in situations where I just don’t feel like I can be “me”. I am generally an open and honest person, but being around others who just care about the party does not resonate with my soul anymore.
I keep learning that who I am now is not the person I used to be, not even close. I don’t see it as a bad thing, I actually see it as something beautiful, my fight for my health and reversing my chronic disease has made me realize just HOW good I CAN be to myself. The parts of me that need more exploring like spirituality and self-love. At 23 I may not stand in a place many others do, eating a high raw vegan diet, indulging in detox baths and reading books on Traditional Chinese Medicine for fun on a Friday night. I realize though what I am meant to do and it isn’t the “social butterfly” and “party girl” like I once was, I am meant to be the wounded healer that overcomes all her challenges and helps show others the way.
Taking your health for granted can come at a very serious price, but we are so luckily that we DO have the capacity to heal! Our bodies are just amazing in what they can overcome and adapt too. We are lucky enough that reversing disease doesn’t take as long as it did to create it. I see how this disease has been a blessing in my life; it has made me a better person, a stronger person, a wiser person. I get so much more fulfillment and appreciation out of life now than I ever did before. Once I am completely pain-free I know that I won’t take that for granted ever again. I will treat my body as a temple because that’s what it deserves, that’s what I deserve! I 100% deserve to nourish not only my body but also my mind and spirit.
The universe is just spilling over with abundance if only we choose to see that in the world. Learn from every experience rather than seeing it as a negative. Everything happens for a reason – my reason was to see the better version of myself that I had so much trouble seeing before. It now coming into focus, I am finding some clarity in the midst of a storm.